UnconsciousFeelings

I open my Facebook page and in my news feed appears a picture with several people, and in the description, someone says, “smooth journey,” my cousin. I look closely at the picture, and there’s only one male in it. I tell myself there’s no way, I don’t believe it’s about C. I click on the tags, and there are no male names, so I feel relieved, thinking it’s definitely not him. But something keeps nagging at me, and I quickly try to remember C’s last name to search for him. My memory is playing tricks on me, which isn’t the first time. I type it into the search bar anyway, hoping to get lucky and find his profile picture.

I find his profile and click on it, and the posts are flooded with photos and condolence messages. So, it’s true, he’s gone. I write my condolences to his cousin, still unable to believe it. I quickly look for a mutual friend and send a message, or rather a question, asking if it’s true and what happened. Obviously, there’s no reply, and it doesn’t show as read; after all, it’s late, and it was already two hours before what I see on the clock.

I sit and think he couldn’t have been more than 30 years old. Then I remember him at work when we were colleagues, and I recall his contagious laughter as if I could hear it now. The memory fades, replaced by another, one where I often saw C outside smoking heavily or making jokes in the office that everyone enjoyed except him.

Then I remember a conversation with him where he told me how they recently discovered that his father had cancer and that the doctors said there was nothing they could do to save his life. I had consoled him, telling him that I also had someone in my family who went through a similar situation a few years ago, fought, and is now well. I now see how his eyes lit up with a spark of hope.

His father passed away shortly after, and the sparkle was replaced by an immense sadness that struck your heart every time you looked at him. Now he’s gone too, and I wonder if they are together, if they are happy, if C is smiling.